Connection before Correction

Understanding Children's Quest

One of the major tenets of Adlerian theory is that all humans desire a sense of belonging, including children. So, all behaviours – good or bad – is based on the individual’s perception of how to gain a sense of belonging with a group/ with another individual. For a child, the first major quest is to figure out how to belong/ be loved within their 1st group - the family. But then, how can one's own child not realize that their parents of course love them, no matter what?!!!

Whenever the child feels discouraged, they perceive the world differently and try to compensate and behave in a way, which according to them, will help to get attention and feel belonged. This can be in the form of misbehaviour also. After all, all that matters to them is that they should belong. When parents react to such misbehaviour with some form of punishment, the child’s belief that they don’t belong gets confirmed as true. So, the punishment might stop the misbehaviour for a short while, but over the long run, this is not helpful. This is the child's "private logic" and can't be debated/ drilled into through just words.

Building Connection

When children feel a connection, they feel both a sense of belonging and significance. Often that is enough to correct/ stop/ redirect misbehaviour. There is a lot of research which says that in order to influence children in a positive way, we first need to create a connection with them. We need to make sure that the message of love gets through. Fixing their mistakes or over-protecting or giving in to their demands are not means of creating connection. Hugs, spending time, active listening, having thoughtful conversations are couple means to form a connection. These need to be sustained over a long-term and modified as and when interests/ personality change. Once a connection is made, the child starts feeling belonged and usually opens up for effective and mutually respectful correction.

Rudolf Dreikurs explains in his book "Children: The Challenge" - “Children are good perceivers, but poor interpreters.” Most of the times, they conclude wrong and form mistaken beliefs and hence devise mistaken methods to feel noticed in their environment.

So irrespective of the behaviour and personality of the child, on one hand, connection creates a sense of safety, security and significance. This leads to more openness in the relationship. On the other hand, punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming become counterproductive. Although we may have the best interests of the child in mind, being the poor interpreter that they are, children tend to close up, when faced with these methods.

Correcting misbehaviour is needed, but the "how" matters a lot. The "how" determines whether the child feels empowered or discouraged.

A thriving future

Dreikurs said, “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child”. Creating a connection before correction focuses on encouraging and helping children feel belonged. Mutual respect prevails leading to the kids feeling significant in the relationship with the parent. This helps them in their life journey, when they can direct their energy towards becoming capable people, instead of focusing on gaining attention. If the parent can connect and help change the underlying belief of the child (through actions), it not only helps to change the child's behaviour, but also helps them to thrive and direct their energy towards becoming capable.

“Children’s lives will be determined by how parents live. The parents’ love and way of life will, like magma beneath the earth’s crust, form the innermost core of children’s hearts and become a source of energy to support the rest of their lives.” -Daisaku Ikeda in his book “Happy Parents, Happy Kids”.