Looking beyond Behaviour

What is behaviour?

It refers to any action - movements, words, expressions. It isn't just these. It is in actual a complex tapestry encompassing various threads which may be psychological, biological, environmental, one's life experiences, ones' perception of their life experiences, others' influence, thus leading to all of us being unique!

All our actions are motivated by a goal. All human behaviour has a purpose. Sometimes we know what the purpose of a behaviour is; sometimes we don’t. Children’s behaviour (not necessarily misbehaviour and tantrums) is often driven by a goal to feel belonged and significant - meaning, it's akin to saying, "Notice Me!". Every action they take can signify a range of emotions, needs, or experiences.

Understanding behaviour can lead to more empathy, better communication and improved relationships.

The Roots of Behaviour: Functions and Needs

Rudolph Dreikurs, whose contribution to child psychology is well known, says in his book, “Children: The Challenge” - “Since the child is a social being, his strongest motivation is the desire to belong. His security or lack of it depends upon his feeling of belonging within the group. This is his basic requirement. Everything he does is aimed at finding his place. From infancy on, he is very busy exploring methods of being a part of his family group. From his observations and his successes, he draws conclusions - not formed in words, but definite nonetheless - “Ah! This is how I can belong. This is how I can have significance.”

So, the desire to belong is a basic one. But the method the child devises to feel significant is not one with reasoning. It’s just trial and error. If any behaviour she does, helps her to achieve the goal to belong, that behaviour sticks on – be it good or bad - that is for the adult to judge. What’s happening here is termed the “child’s private logic”. And it’s just that – private (difficult even for the child to interpret). For example, we can imagine private logic as an invisible bag. Inside the bag, the child carries beliefs about themselves, about the adults in their environment, and about the world outside. So, the logic is a collection of these beliefs. And the child's behaviour is linked to his private logic.

Behaviours that appear defiant or disruptive may not stem from negativity; rather, they may be a misguided attempt to secure a sense of belonging. A child throwing a tantrum could be expressing frustration over feeling overwhelmed or unheard. Conversely, a child who engages in disruptive play could be attempting to assert control in an environment where they feel powerless. It is crucial for adults to understand that these actions may be the only means the child knows to relate to himself/ with others.

Interpreting Behavioural Signals

When analysing what a child's behaviour may convey, nuances such as context, body language, and emotional state must be considered. By recognizing these signs, caregivers can respond not just to the behaviour itself, but to the beliefs that fuel that behaviour. Encouraging and validating open communication allows children to express their feelings and needs, which will help to create a supportive environment.

When the belief behind the behaviour is positively redirected and corrected, then the contents of the invisible bag start to change. When the bag is filled with rich experiences of encouragement and connection, the child automatically starts developing a much broader, positive, and resilient outlook!

Conclusion: Empathy and Understanding

Ultimately, recognizing what a child's behaviour may convey requires empathy and a willingness to look beyond surface-level actions. Each behaviour can serve as a window into a child's emotional world. By fostering a better understanding of their motivations, we empower ourselves to guide them towards healthier forms of expression and belonging. This journey not only aids in the child's development but also strengthens the bond between them and the adults responsible for their growth.